Oh my, it's been so long since I've written for this blog! I've been thinking about it for weeks and weeks, telling myself I must get back to it. But life right now feels like a car racing down the highway with no brakes- I hang on to the steering wheel for dear life and hope to God I find some way to get out.
I try to maintain control, but there is always some new variation in the road: a change in the work schedule, a health challenge, upheaval at church. I think, if I can get past these bumps, get back to "normal", I will be able to do the things I really want to do. I will write, catch up with family, connect with my husband, and above all spend time with God. At 35, I still have this unrealistic expectation that if I can just get through this week, get through this to-do list, I will be able to bring more balance to my life. The fact is, however, I'm always putting off the things that bring joy and meaning in order to finish dishes, prepare lunches, and do laundry. Of course these things have to be done... but the things that matter should have priority. Should in many cases be done first- and if the dishes don't get done that night, so be it.
I wrote this poem recently:
Get groceries.
Clean the apartment.
Call your grandmother.
Have sex with your husband.
Be a good person.
I did it all.
I accomplished.
I succeeded.
I felt a measure of satisfaction
but no joy.
Maybe life is not a checklist-
or just some tasks to perform.
On this journey
it is largely unknown
what shall be.
But that's the point:
to discover,
to let some things go,
to be a be-er of life
not a do-er only.
I'm determined to learn to live out that last stanza. And that's why instead of cleaning the guest bathroom (which hasn't been used since the last time I cleaned it) I sat down at the computer to write a new blog post. Victory! A small one, but a victory nonetheless...
Stay tuned.
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